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Jul 05 2005
Playing with a Stacked Deck
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There is one major aspect of authentic card playing that no videogame will ever capture. That's because accurately recreating the astronomical assortment of repulsive humans who frequent casinos would require a CPU seven million times more powerful than all others combined. Having wasted the college funds of a dozen unborn Sulics at hundreds of card rooms in my time, I've experienced all manner of vile humanity.
There's the profanely underdressed inbred middle-aged man with a tendency to wax philosophical about all "Them hot babes I do regular like." Beside him might sit an obscenely fat 20-something with wiry hair and shadowy eyes sunken in from excessive anime exposure. Then there's the greasiest soccer mom in the universe, the loudest sweet little Asian lady hell hath ever spawned, and that one cackling grey-hair content with devouring a giant bowl of steamed clams as hunks of his buttery garlic bread drip cholesterol onto everyone's hole cards.
Floorman, give me a setup and a few silver bullets.
The lesson I've learned? Poker players are, by and large, classless winos that morosely fill seats at scientifically weak-assed tables for countless hours. They never bother keeping tidy books and they always dump Benjamins onto pointless 1-2 $100 max-buy no-limit games and 3-6 rounds of limit river watching. They're the types of degenerates no sane person would want to take home to a mother, father or dog (less there's some type of incinerator waiting at the front door).
One day the combined processing power of the cosmos might replicate the four million distinctly bad sights attached to our friend the "Flannel Weirdo." But the day Colma's fabulous Lucky Chances cemetery, crematorium and hold 'em circle of hell gets blasted onto my computer screen in all its perfectly hideous glory is the day I kill myself.
And this...this is exactly why I love our current batch of complacent computers so very, very much. They're mercifully inefficient! And really, why waste time being social when human interaction only means you have to interact with the inhuman? Let's play some cards at home and not bother worrying about all the fantastic diseases we could have been catching in Reno.
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Comments
07/14/05
3 
Vlad
| North Carolina USA
wow, i feel like i have been sandblasted after reading that. Not sure what the purpose there was but I'm definitly rethinking my trip to Vegas!
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